The Upper Middle “Self-Presentation Survey” examined how members of the oat milk elite present themselves in social settings – particularly among perceived peers. Specifically, it examines soft signaling. Soft signaling, the indirect display of class through demonstrations of morality, creativity, and intelligence, invariably leads to social calibration. People at both ends of the status spectrum downplay “extreme” traits. Almost all individuals avoid manifesting social anxiety, though many feel it profoundly[1].
Survey results suggest that this dance is nowhere near as easy as we all make it look and that missteps happened when Prosecco drinkers have a third glass and mistakenly or compulsively acknowledge the vicissitudes of lived experience.
Who We Want To Be and Who We Are
Many of the soft signaling behaviors on display at fête are an attempt to balance a desire to come across as intelligent and with a desire to come across as approachable. Most respondents (62%) wish to be perceived as “Smart,” followed by “Friendly” and “Kind” (42%, 39%), “Funny” (33%), “Competent” (31%), and “Attractive” (30%).
Some 27% of the elites and semi-elites surveyed, wish to be perceived as “Educated,”[2] making that the most desirable “earned” trait followed by “Accomplished” (23%), “Hard Working” (12%), “Entrepreneurial” (5%), and “Disciplined” (5%).
Correlation suggests a weak but positive alignment between traits decorous strivers wish to demonstrate and traits they believe they possess. Most people wish to be known for the qualities they believe they possess. Still, 73.6% of respondents reported wanting to be known for at least one quality they did not report actually possessing. These respondents were far more likely to report social anxiety and to describe themselves as “Struggling” or “Failed" adults (5.9% combined).
Many disconnects in self-presentation and self-understanding appear to be wrapped up in professional rather than social identities. Lawyers, who wished to be perceived as smart and thought of themselves as disciplined, show the highest gaps between desired perception and self-identified reality just ahead of doctors, who wished to be perceived as smart but thought of themselves as kind. Many (though not most) other white-collar workers also desired to be seen as smart, but readily self-identified as “Hard Working.”
In fact, many respondents (30.24) reported being “Very Hard Working,” but only a third of those respondents reported wishing to be perceived as such.Most casual networkers prefer to appear relaxed, not virtuous.
What We Show and What We Hide
Respondents who reported social anxiety (45.12%), personal struggles or hiding negative emotions (64.3%) largely also reported engaging in “cover up” behaviors designed to create a distance between public and private self. These people were far less likely than others to name their exact hometowns when asked where they were from. They more often named the nearest major city or – if trying to appear more accomplished – their current place of residence (lots of NYC and LA).
These people were also far less likely than other respondents to emphasize “normalcy” when describing their childhoods. Instead, many emphasized “struggle" or “trauma.” This supports the idea that those who struggle to demonstrate “ease” in social situations use hardship as a credential for belonging. Hardship narratives were particularly common among those wishing to be perceived as “Moral” or “Self-Aware,” a trait the majority of self-doubting respondents wished to demonstrate.
Another way that self-doubting respondents demonstrated self-awareness was through self-effacing humor. Respondents who identified as “Struggling" or “Mediocre" adults reported making jokes about their mental health jokes at drastically higher rates (70.4% and 56.9% respectively) than those who identified as "successful" (42.5%). Similarly, those that described themselves as more nervous or sadder than they made mental health jokes at elevated rates (59.0% and 51.6% respectively). (If someone jokes about taking Zoloft, assume it’s not a joke.)
Arguably, this suggests that misdirection and humor are coping mechanism, but there’s an alternative interpretation: They represent brave attempts at honest self-presentation in the face of social risks. The jokes aren’t jokes and the childhood narratives are – at least in the context of present day emotions – accurate.
Unsurprisingly, less self-regarding respondents were the least likely to post on social media – though the ones that reported being more sad than they seemed were disproportionately likely to lurk.
How We Mix and How We Sort
Soft signaling tracks more closely with social background than money. Social anxiety has an inverse relationship with both income - those highest bracket report the lowest anxiety (33.3%) – and, to a lesser degree, wealth, but personal background is more predictive of which traits brunch buddies attempt to embody.
Black and Hispanic respondents disproportionately wished to seem ‘hard working’ and ‘accomplished’; Asian respondents disproportionately wished to seem ‘educated’ and ‘smart.’ Almost 90% of respondents with immigrant parents – a heavily Asian group –wanted to seem “smart.”
Of course, it’s not possible to totally disconnect racial and personal background from finances. Asian respondents were far more likely than any other group to have high incomes and moderate wealth. Black respondents had lower than average incomes.
Meanwhile, white respondents – more focused on fixed traits – disproportionately wished to demonstrate "friendly," "fun," and "attractive.”
However, white respondents were far from monolithic. Left-leaning respondents (those reporting “Left” and “Center Left” political sympathies) were more likely than others to both value and claim intelligence, identify as self-aware, and report social anxiety, and wish to be perceived as creative and unique. Right-leaning respondents (a small number) were more likely to wish to be perceived as competent and disciplined. These trends were strongly reflected in responses from respondents in Texas, California, and New York, which is (unsurprisingly) full of creative, nervous types (also depressed media professionals).
Implications
Since de Tocqueville, sociologists (many of them French) have argued that the great hypocrisy in American culture is the tendency to valorize effort and reward “ease.” Our survey results suggest that members of the oat milk elite, who work hard not to be seen working hard, may be even more guilty of this because we operate with a “fixed mindset,” a belief that a person’s most salient traits are innate and immutable. Unnervingly, this belief – which sociologists suggest is common among products of elite education – bumps right up against the idea that class is heritable. If innate, unearned traits are our source of social capital, no logical leap is required to make the claim that social capital is something we’re born with (or not).
Of course, very few (if any) members of the Upper Middle would cop to that kind of aristophilia. We’re far too meritocratic. But in a social context that meritocracy seems to take an odd from. Not only does effort go unrewarded, any sort of extremity appears to be punished – or at least understood as a liability. The survey results suggest that while most dinner party paella bringers self-present somewhat honestly, almost all triangulate their self-presentation in order to seem multi-dimensional and avoid the awkwardness associated with extreme intelligence, friendliness, morality, etc…. This appears to create a sort of “cycle” of trait demonstration that serves to mitigate any perceived over indexing:
“Smart” is mitigated by “Friendly” and “Kind.”
“Friendly” and “Kind” are mitigated by “Competent” and “Educated.”
“Competent” and “Educated” are mitigated by “Fun” and Self-Aware”
“Fun” and Self-Aware” are mitigated by “Hard Working” and “Moral.”
“Hard Working” and “Moral” are mitigated by “Smart.”
This is a script that buttoned down glad-hander can use – along with tools like humor and storytelling – to seek status and make friends. But many of us seem to question our ability or willingness to stick to it. Though social anxiety can and should be understood as a psychological ailment distinct from experience, it also seems to be a product of experience – specifically setbacks – that lay bare the disingenuous nature of social performance. Anxiety is anxiety, but it’s also a punk-ish refusal to go along that manifests in the odd jokes cracked by assimilated Jews at Upper East Side cocktail parties.
Ease gets rewarded. Still, many feel compelled to show the work. Doing so feels right and we are a moral group – even if we’re loathe to admit it.
High-Status Behaviors (for Cynics)
➺ Tell people the precise name of your hometown.
➺ Describe struggles, but emphasize the normalcy of your childhood.
➺ Confess to having smartly figured out how to not work very hard.[4]
➺ Get “caught” being a good person rather than foregrounding morality.
➺ Bring a decent bottle of red.